Imagine your life as a motion picture. You are the only one watching with a never-ending pop-corn to munch on. Your life unfolds before your eyes like a movie going roll by roll. It is the first and the last time you are watching the movie. That is why you are watching it intently without missing a beat. Some times you hate it sometimes it is-meh. Okay fine! Sometimes you want to live that scene again and again. But the fact is you can’t.
The childhood (which was my past and always will be) was a colourful blur. It was that part of the movie where you judge it as a good movie too fast before you have even finished watching it. The colourful blur lets you enjoy the purity of life and love. You think there are no hardships that can weigh you down. Honestly, it was that time i felt like a superwoman who did not have to save lives but instead have all the fun in life. Childhood raised my expectation about life. It seemed uncomplicated, where i was showered with love which i really did enjoy till it lasted.
Then there came the teens.
It was the next part of the movie which abruptly transformed into a bright resolution black and white movie with a really bad storyline. Everything goes downfall. The blur vanished into the heavy reality that would crush me underneath its weight. The first couple of years were hard. It was that time i tremendously tried fitting in. But every time i did, i would think to myself, “it wasn’t like this earlier…it was so much easier…why do i have to do this…why does nobody love me like they used to?“
I was utterly confused.
It was also that time i lost my oh-so called friends. They realised i was not fit for them as their friend because firstly i did not like gossiping and exaggerating to acquire attention. Secondly, i was stubborn(and still am) not to open my social media accounts. Thirdly they changed.
Not only did we change physically they as a whole changed into another person. I hated that change.
However, i accepted it, the change. I accepted the harsh nature of reality, the harsh way i had to leave my friends and how emotionless i felt even after that.
If you haven’t guessed it yet, i am a person without feelings. I mean not literally but i am not comfortable while expressing my feelings to others. Now, you may ask, “jenny, your blog says that you were going to blabber about love and hate but all you talk about is how bad your life is, what’s the point?”
No, there is no point in burdening you how dumb my life is but you must know that life is what changed my definition of love.
If you asked me if i ever had been in love i would answer yes and a no.
Yes because i love drawing, sketching, singing to myself, dancing around my room aimlessly and writing blogs.
Yes because i love how my mom would not admit she misses my sister staying at a different continent although she wants to see her just one more time.
Yes because i love the way my baby cousin would giggle when i make faces at him.
Yes because i love the way my best friend would say i am her best enemy instead of her best friend.
I love the way my parents would smile at each other when they are proud of their daughters.
No, because i haven’t found someone whom i can love selflessly.
Reality has shaped my definition of love as well as hate.
I realised love and hate were the only feelings which need not be forced. It is that feeling which makes you think,” high school drama, my breaking teen life and cruel people aren’t that bad after all!
The other day i was reading the newspaper and i came across a picture that spoke a thousand words to me. The image was simple. It was a picture of a beautiful girl around my age suffering from autism grinning at the camera not because she received the excellence award but because it was given to her by her lovely mom. Her dad who had accompanied her to the stage now held his wife’s hand proudly while gazing into her eye with the most heavenly emotion on his face. The girl did not care what award she has been given. She was just euphoric to find her parents on stage with her she knew they loved her.
I know i am a bit late but here you go-the second blog.I turned 16(Yay!) three days ago and i already feel old :(. I hope you liked the blog and feel free to comment your views. I would love to read them!